Her Delicate Secret
by A Bullfrog's Worst Nightmare
Summary: "It didn't take long before it became an everyday ritual to her..." Written for the Controversial Challenge at the HPFC. Rated for language and mentions of bulimia


**A/N: This is for a challenge and the prompt was bulimia. I've never had any experiences with bulimia so I apologize in advance if I got it all wrong.**

Her Delicate Secret

By A Bullfrog's Worst Nightmare

_Written for the Controversial Challenge from the HPFC_

It didn't take long before it became an everyday ritual to her. It was an addiction, a bad habit, her little secret. Whenever she bit into a piece of food she had the immediate desire to throw it back up. It was ruining her health, but she just couldn't stop.

If you asked when she started, she honestly couldn't give you an exact answer. Only that it started sometime around fourth year when she heard what the other girls would say about her.

Ugly. Fat. Cruel. Various synonyms.

She pretended it didn't bother her. Pansy never really saw herself as a fat person, and just assumed that it was just an empty insult. But each time she heard herself referred as fat, the more she started to believe it was a fact. Sometimes she couldn't even look at herself in the mirror out of fear that what the other girls are saying are true.

Pansy didn't want to completely stop eating because she thought that would gain too much attention to herself. So she continued to eat regularly at meal times, but snuck off to an empty bathroom to purge. She couldn't gain weight and continue to be fat if she threw it all up after consuming it, could she?

It only got worse when Pansy was met with stressful events. It started out as simply things such as her tests getting more difficult. Then her stress grew from the increasing pressure from her parents to be a perfect example of a well bred pureblood girl. Then Draco Malfoy caused it to increase. Who could forget that fateful day when Draco Malfoy _left_ her? Not only break up with her, but also completely leave her for another girl.

Goddamn that little bitch.

There was never a moment in her life where purging felt so right than that moment right then. Pansy knew Draco left because she wasn't worthy, because she was an absolutely fat and hideous person. It was obvious, just look at the girl who took her place!

Astoria Greengrass, the very definition of perfect.

Sometimes Pansy wished Draco or his prissy new girlfriend found out her secret just so she could look them in the eye and say 'this is your fault'.

But that would only make her feel better temporarily. Temporary satisfaction was simply not good enough.

She knew she shouldn't hate Draco or Astoria. She knew she shouldn't throw up to make herself feel pretty. Yet, she made no effort in changing how she viewed herself.

In fact, there was only one person who made any effort at all.

It was late at night when he heard Pansy throwing up into a garbage can in the Slytherin common room. There she was, hunched over clenching the can with white fingers, her body shaking. He rested a gentle hand on her back causing her to look up at him with a disgusted look.

"What, Blaise?" she spat, wanting nothing more than to punch him as hard as he could for finding her here. "Shouldn't you be in bed?

"Shouldn't you? Are you sick?" he asked.

"No. No, I'm not. Go away," she responded in a rude tone.

"Puking every time after eating something isn't going to make you more beautiful, Pansy," Blaise said, ignoring her demand.

"Of course you're calling me ugly, too," she replied, mostly out of surprise that he knew. "You think anyone who doesn't match your mother's looks is ugly."

"As much as I love her, I think my mother is extremely hideous sometimes. She murders people for money, Pansy. Does that sound like a gorgeous person to you?" Blaise said coldly.

Pansy didn't respond, she just stared helplessly up at Blaise.

"Calling someone ugly, doesn't make them any more pretty. And calling someone fat doesn't make him or her any more skinny. You're no better yourself, either. How many years have you tormented Granger?" Blaise was still speaking coldly and stared down at Pansy with a hard glare, leaving her at a lost for words.

"But Draco—" she began, trying to retaliate.

"Malfoy's a douchebag, what else is new?" Blaise retorted.

Pansy felt like she was shrinking. She wanted to run or at least have Zabini go away. Blaise sat down on the floor next to her, taking her hand in his.

"Look, this—" he gestured to the garbage can. "This isn't going to help you in the long run."

Pansy stared at him blankly for awhile. Part of her was angry with him. How dare he just come up to her and tell her what to do? He had no right. No right at all. The other part was somewhat thankful that he at least cared enough for her to rant like that.

As much as the comments wounded her, as much as she hated Draco Malfoy then, she shouldn't have been paying a price this big to feel beautiful.


End file.
